Living a Better Story

I am a 52-year-old woman who has spent the majority of my life making a home for my husband and four daughters. The courage and passion I held to through the years staying home to raise my own children looks awkward and provincial to people now. I stand up tall and declare it was not a mistake. God has honored the choice and we have suffered very little materially for it. I would do it all again. I am ferocious about this.

As my daughters have grown up I have gotten absorbed in their history, as if life happened to me without my awareness. Why, even this blog is a shared one between my daughters and I. But beneath the surface, I have been undergoing and embracing the shift in my focus away from them. My youngest daughter is now a senior in high school and I have been mulling over in my mind what kind of life I will live now that time opens up its arms to me. Since reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years I have thought about this future in terms of “my story.”

As a child, being an artist was a big part of my identity. One of my earliest memories is drawing in church. (I still doodle through sermons—it helps me focus.) My favorite gifts to receive were always the exceptional colored pencils with rich color saturation and the deluxe paint sets. As an adult, the words naturally fall from my lips, “I’m a follower of Jesus, a wife, mother and an artist.” Over the years I developed a career that contributes to the family income and allows me to be home while I design and create—I am a graphic designer.

Although I have never entirely abandon my art (http://www.facebook.com/patty.ewing?v=photos#!/album.php?aid=17833&id=502401007) or writing, I believe my “story” in the future will be chock full of artful writing and painting.

But, here is the rub: I see myself as a nonentity—shadowy—nearly invisible.
I have gotten quite shabby in appearance. Not that I was ever a looker, but I used to have a certain sharpness to my person that I have allowed to mellow and settle. I was putting on my makeup yesterday and thought, “Why bother?” I don’t think anyone really looks at me anymore. All this without even the dignity of any real old age to accompany and account for it.

What I want more than anything and resolve to do: lose weight and repair my esteem and health WHILE I nurture my creative bent.

I know I can write (maybe not publish—but I CAN write). I will need to commit a space of time each day to write. I’ll get a laptop at some point in order to move about freely and compose in more interesting places. I can read books about writing and books about writers! (I love reading. This can now be a valid reason to read during the day: Research!) I can sign up for creative writing classes and workshops.

I know I can make art that I love and others will enjoy. I can take classes that will force me to produce and give me the physical arena in which to make a mess. I will need to turn one of the rooms into a studio fit for paint to fling about. I’ll stretch canvases and buy quantities of paint. I’ll get a small paint pad to carry about and a small quality set of paints to bring along and paint at whim.

But my undertakings will inevitably be sabotaged by my weight. So. My better story looks like this: I begin to live a healthy lifestyle while I pursue stimulating and aesthetic endeavors. I will write. I will paint. I will live an artful, satisfying season of years quickened and energized by increased health, loss of burdensome weight and a new sense of self.

Of course the obstacles ahead are the same faced by millions of overweight Americans. The road ahead is well documented. I have done this before—twice I lost over 100 pounds—only to regain it. I set my face to it. I’ll fix a big pot of vegetable soup, fill a glass of water and hop on my stationary bike. Later I will write about it.

I am hoping the Living a Better Story seminar (www.donmilleris.com/conference) will be a launching place—a catalyst to the momentum to begin my story with clarity. In the way writing this piece has been motivating and empowering; I expect the seminar to be exponentially more so.